Animals First, Humans Second?
Have you ever heard something so laughable, so ridiculous, so utterly preposterous that you’re convinced the person speaking to you is joking?
So yesterday, I was speaking to a friend of mine in the demolition industry. He was telling me about a project he is waiting to start just a few miles from where I am sat right now, and he invited me to pay the site a visit when the project gets underway.
“When are you due to start,” I asked innocently. His answer was surprising. “I have no idea. All the equipment is there but we’re waiting for…”
He then told me that his project was held up by the absence of a single piece of paper.
Now, before I tell you what that piece of paper is and what it represents, let’s wind back a bit to just before the UK General Election when incoming prime minister Sir Keir Starmer pledged to build 1.5 million new homes during his reign.
There is no question, it was a good soundbite and the left-leaning media seized upon it as if Mr Starmer was the saviour of the huddled masses.
Those in the construction industry, however, shrugged and sniffed at the mere notion. “We have never hit existing house-building levels, so what makes him think we can hit even higher levels,” some asked. “Doesn’t he realise we have an industry-wide skills shortage,” asked others. “Who the Hell is going to build all these new houses?”
And there were those that pointed to the glacial pace of local authority planning departments or to the house-builders who so enjoy sitting on great swathes of prime house-building land until the price suits them best.
Yet, amidst all of that, there was not a single mention of an apparently vital piece of paperwork that could conceivably prevent one or multiple houses being built.
All of which takes me back to my original story about the demolition contractor.
The vital piece of paper he is currently missing is a mouse license. I’ll write that again just in case you think you misread it.
A mouse license. James Bond, 007. License to mouse.
Apparently, the project is currently stalled because they need a mouse license to proceed. And they need a mouse license to proceed because there is evidence that the site is home to one or more dormice.
My first house was located right by a river and I can tell you that dormice and voles had no issue whatsoever with coming into my house. But it transpires that we cannot enter theirs without a license.
I was so staggered at this notion that I had to check. And there, on the gov.uk website, is an entire page dedicated to how you apply for a dormice mitigation license (that’s an A35, in case you ever need one).
Now it is important that I say at this point that I am an animal lover. With the possible exception of wasps and Jack Russell Terriers — which are the wasps of the dog world — I love all animals and I certainly wouldn’t want to see any of them harmed during demolition or construction works.
But have we not got our priorities just a bit skewed here?
We have identified the need for 1.5 additional new homes for humans. But those humans are required to play second fiddle to mice and lice, dogs and frogs, bats and cats, newts, lizards, birds, rodents and a variety of furry and feathery creatures that fly, crawl or scuttle about in an unsettling manner.
Imagine you are one of the many that is desperately seeking a new home for yourself and your family. You have paid your deposit, chosen your curtains, and you have informed the Post Office of your imminent change of address. And then you get a phone call to tell you that your moving in date has been pushed back because Mickey and Minnie Mouse fancy a lie-in after a night on the booze round at Goofy’s house.
Sir Keir Starmer’s house-building pledge was already set in a fantasy world in which there are no skills shortages or planning delays; a world in which buildable land is readily available and where house-builders frolic in the sunshine, just waiting for their next adventure.
Seemingly, his fantasy world is devoid of dormice too.
